Vindictive Cake
Maybe. Orange coconut cake filled with raspberry jam and vanilla pastry cream will help you channel your subconscious desire for chaos.
Try: Vindictive Cake
280g ap flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
310g granulated sugar
170 g unsalted butter room temp
3 large eggs plus two yolks
100 g sour cream
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
240 ml canned coconut milk
80 g shredded coconut
2 tbsps orange zest
Lurch awake in the lonesome hours of the early morning, roused by a nightmarish loop of every small humiliation and embarrassment you’ve ever endured. Allow a roiling funk to take hold. Indulge in it, use it to propel you to the kitchen; you’re hungry for chaos and cake is your medium. Blunder around your galley kitchen, collecting your ingredients and unnerving your cats and neighbors alike.
Begin by beating the butter and sugar together until they’ve submitted to your will.
Add in 3 eggs and 2 yolks. You must now drink the remaining egg whites, so as not to create waste. If you’re feeling particularly devoted to the cause, shatter the eggshells with your teeth and swallow them as penance.
Pause, to wonder, if your instructions will be followed as they’re written. Maybe, the careful reader will discern that this cake is a trap, that their vindictive pastry maker is on a nasty tear,
leading them to an awful mess, a mass of dishes, a disappointment cake. Persist at your own risk.
Add the sour cream, vanilla, and coconut milk, and beat until it
looks curdled. Ugliness, like beauty, can be found in most anything.
Measure out the drys with your hands and dump them into the bowl.
Your hand is now your mixer. Vigorously stir in the coconut flakes until you are covered in baking slop.
Transfer the batter to a 9 inch pan. Decide better of it, move it to an 8 inch pan using only a teaspoon, droplet by droplet.
Bake. Cool.
Slather on frosting, fill it with pastry cream and jam that’s been languishing in your fridge. Through the skylight, watch the sun start to rise.